John Bishop: 10 funniest jokes from Liverpool comedian and Doctor Who actor - ahead of ITV show and UK tour
Liverpudlian comedian John Bishop is to return to our screens with his own show, as he revives his comedy-chat show for ITV.
Suitably titled The John Bishop Show, the series will see him perform stand up and interview a variety of guests.
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Hide AdChatting to the Daily Star, he admitted he will be scaling back his jokes for the small screen, as the audience treat his humour differently when it’s not in-person.
He might be toning down his quirky one-liners for his new audience, but there are a whole host of jokes which make Bishop one of the most consistent UK comedians on the circuit.
So, what are some of his top one-liners from previous tours, and when is he next on tour?
Best John Bishop jokes
On being an England fan:
“Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”
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Hide AdOn Scotland:
“Edinburgh is the only place you can be sunburned and get trench foot on the same day.”
On his teenage son:
“To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night."
On performing in front of comic legend Ken Dodd:
"It was like trying to make love to your wife in front of a porn star - ‘I’m doing my best here! I know you can probably do it better but don’t look at me like that!’."
On over-complicating life:
"Going to the dump used to be great, you would go to the dump and get rid of stuff - now you have to pass an exam. I turned up at the dump and there’s a guy there in a yellow vest and a clipboard. He’s done an NVQ in clipboard management."
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Hide AdOn being THAT friend:
"Everyone knows that when you’ve got friends, one of your friends is basically a d**khead. If you’re thinking, ‘None of my mates are a d**khead ... well..."
On getting older:
“There are some muscles I don’t think I need my personal trainer to find as I won’t be using them at my age anyway.”
On celebrity friends:
“I have been privileged to get to know Kenny Dalgish and I would call him a friend – though his lawyer would call me a stalker (I don’t know why – just because I was in his garden!).”
On Courtney Love:
“I was only in her company two hours, but I can’t blame that Kurt Cobain fella.”
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Hide AdOn being a dad:
“It must be cool having a dad who’s a comedian,” I overheard a friend say. “No,” came my son’s reply. “He’s a knob.”
What did he say about his TV content?
Bishop said he feels he is “judged in a different way” when on TV, as opposed to performing in front of a live audience.
“‘When I am on tour I can say anything I want on stage and you can work within the parameters of the audience feedback because it’s immediate,” he told the Daily Star.
“When it’s on telly I get judged in a different way. If people want to get offended they will get offended before you’ve even finished your sentence.‘It gets judged by a different world,” he added.
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Hide AdWhen is John Bishop on tour in 2022?
Bishop begins the New Year with the debut of his ITV show and a UK and Europe tour.
His UK tour dates are:
9 & 10 February 2022 - Bournemouth -BIC
11 February 2022 - Cheltenham - Centaur
15, 16 & 17 February 2022 - Hull Bonus Arena
18 February 2022 - Aberdeen P&J Live Arena
19 February 2022 - Glasgow - OVO Hydro
24 February 2022 - Newcastle - Utilita Arena
25 & 26 February 2022 - Manchester - AO Arena
1 & 2 March 2022- Nottingham - Motorpoint Arena
4 & 5 March 2022 - Liverpool - M&S Bank Arena
8 March 2022 - Derby arena
12 March 2022 - London - SSE Arena, Wembley
15 March 2022 - Swansea Arena
16 & 17 March 2022 - Brighton - The Brighton Centre
18 March 2022 - Leeds - First Direct Arena
21 & 22 March 2022 - Plymouth Pavilions
24 March 2022 - Belfast - SSE Arena
25 March 2022 - Dublin - 3 Arena
29 & 30 March 2022 - Cardiff - Motorpoint Arena
1 & 2 April 2022 - Birmingham - Utilita Arena
8 April 2022 - London - The O2
The John Bishop show begins on ITV on Saturday 8 January at 9.30pm. It runs for six consecutive weeks and all episodes will be available on the ITV Hub shortly after broadcast
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